Till I Wise Up

On the soundtrack of Jerry Maguire, there is this song by Aimee Mann which says, "It's not going to stop, til you wise up".

Caution - this entry is about my recent break-up. Again. And I'm sorry if the previous few entries have not been happy ones, but you know what, it's a bleeding miserable time.

I am pretty sure what happened now. It's one of the oldest stories in the books, it's stupid and it ain't pleasant - but I'll leave that for another day. I'll post it for sure, because I'll need it on PMS-raged days, or rainy days when I might get convolutedly compassionate where no compassion is called for or when self-doubt sets in. A break-up done wrong can be devastating, not just because of the emotional loss, but the loss of self-esteem as well.

Today I will talk about lessons. Cycles. Repetition. Same kind of guys I seem to keep going out with. Guys who leave me because they seemingly don't want to "hold me back". Guys who can't lead me. Taurean guys. Guys who need fixing or some kind of polishing to make them whole. Guys who cry when they say goodbye yet neither flinch or look back. Do I attract them or do I get attracted to them for some reason? Here's the honest truth - I like fixing people. I like seeing the best in people which they don't see themselves, and draw it out of them. I like giving people time. I keep thinking, one day he'll be "All That" and I would've been "The girl who did it with him". Sk8terBoi style. This has not happened yet.

Maybe I can love saving people, but shouldn't fall in love with such characters.

And I've somehow always been riled up by Type-A guys; the smug, clever ones who are so damned sure of themselves. Why? I don't know. Why? Maybe because I think girls who are equally clever do not feel the need to act as smug. Maybe because I think smart guys never really want to go out with smart girls. Maybe because I think I'm one of the so-called "smart girls"? Sure, why not.

And I'm not sure if I'm totally wrong. I wasn't right, that's for sure and that's hard for me to take. It shakes me. I am shaken. I missed a meeting at work today - I've never done that, not unintentionally anyway.

But Dorothy Boyd says "At least I can do something about it now". I am going to try. It's hard - learning about yourself is always hard, especially when you have to do it alone. But let's face it, it's the situations where you're most alone like dealing with a death, being lost in a forest etc. where you learn most about yourself, isn't it?