You know what change is like sometimes? It's like learning a new song in a language you don't understand.
You watch closely the words that are coming out of peoples' mouths, and you mouth along with them. You don't know what it means, and it doesn't make any sense but you say it. And repeat it to yourself again and again until the words develop shapes and meaning. Until you eventually learn it.
Why do you do it? Because you have to. Because although there is a kind of comfort in understanding the situation you are in, understanding it doesn't make it better. Because there are things that you can't tell yourself. Because it is people whom you believe in, and believe in you who are telling you these things.
You don't become someone different. I was relieved when I figured that out. It's not that easy to become someone different. Who a person is, is so much bigger than what the person can control. But if you force it, try to make change tangible, then all you get is a small, superficial, subset of what you are trying to become. That, and an overly loud voice (your own, actually) trying to convince yourself of your "new" self.
So just be. Know that it doesn't happen overnight. Know that you can be different things in a day. There will be days when you know things are better, and there will be days when you realise they are not fine yet. Like in a break-up, there will be looking in the mirror and seeing the sadness in your own eyes, but there will also be a day where you see sadness, but you'll have strength to let it run through you without looking away.
Point being, change does not neccessarily make things better all at once. Rather, in choosing to act, to make some changes, you've earned the right to have some clarity over what's going on in your life. And I'll tell you this - while it may be painful, the sensation of lucidity which flows through your body right up to your fingertips sure beats the numbness of the easier but pointless fantasising / rehashing of "what could have" or "what really" happened.
1 comment:
Sometimes, you change without even realising it.... However, certain changes are more obvious than others, especially if its against your will, or simply something that you do not like or agree with.... One would have thought that understanding the change would help, but it doesnt necessarily help in accepting the change....
All that we can do, is to make the best of what the change has brought on to us.... And that may not be obvious to us in the very beginning....
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